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“I’m Fine”

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I was wandering around my favorite travel blog when I found this video. It’s not a recent video though I found it really touchy and makes me missed Christmas with my family, especially my mother. The video is featured in this post. *I was caught in watery-eyes by my wife while watching*

You might noticed my last blog post (which haven’t updated more than two years) was about my mother. She passed away almost four years ago after battling with cancer for almost two years.

The video reminded me to an occasion when I tried to give her a surprise visit. It was my first time back home since I moved to Kalimantan in May 2010.
Just about 2-3 months after that time, my sister informed me that my mom diagnosed with a stage 3 breast cancer.

It’s the time when I was questioned my self about moving to Kalimantan. Was it a right decision? Was it really a God’s command which I obeyed? Was it a sign for me to not be there? Should I stay in Kalimantan or should I back home, to take care of her? All those questions were flashing inside my head, questioning my decision.

Finally in August 2010 I got a chance to attend a conference in West Java and it was also at the end of my three months probation (here every employee will get two weeks leave at the end of their probation). After the conference I decided to go back home and visit my mom. It was a surprise.

I arrived at home early in the evening. My parents wasn’t at home. At the time they arrived, I surprised her from my room. For me, her reaction was priceless. There wasn’t many words came out of her.

Her first words were, “I’m fine,” with some tears running on her cheek.

I found it as the most cliche statement from a mother to her kid(s). She tried to appear as tough as possible while deep inside I knew she’s filled with so much fear about the cancer she had. In other conversations later, she finally mentioned some of her fears.

She was trying to convinced me that she was OK. Several weeks prior to my visit, she had biopsy. She even tried to make sure that the pathology result was OK.
It was not.

Along the way, we didn’t see the cancer just like ‘a cancer’ itself, but more as a way which God’s use to mold us as a family to be a greater family. Even until now, we feel that God use it to fix each of us. Many times I looked back and amazed on how marvelous His works upon our family. There’s no words can describe how awesome they were.

In less than two weeks together all my questions were answered. She encourage me to back to Kalimantan. She quoted the ‘confirmation from God’ which she received shortly before I moved to Kalimantan, said, “Just like when Abraham offered Issac as an offering to God, I am offering you to God. A person whom I loved is the best offering to God, isn’t it? God entrusted me with kids, you and your sister, but if God’s will to use you for His glory, who am I to obstruct it?”
She convinced me that she will be fine and encouraged me to come back to Kalimantan which I obeyed.

After we got married last year, in this new little family, we learned much about God’s bigger plan.
We believed, over the years, God’s were preparing each of us to complement each other. He used many things to prepare each of us to faced the greater things He planned for us. All we need was to obey.
I could say it was not an easy work to do. To obey is to release all the ego we have and to fully cooperate in His plan. On the other hand, we, as sinful human being, are nurtured to disobey. This is where we saw God’s work upon us was amazing.

We’re heading to the end of this year.
We looked back and cannot thank enough.
We’re moving forward convinced that He’s still walking us together.

And this year, I’ll be home for Christmas.

Written by gerald

December 11, 2015 at 6:34 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Mom and Christmas

with 4 comments

It’s mother’s day. I just want to tell some story about mine. It’s about her and christmas.

There’re no words can describe how incredible she is.

Christmas was kind of a family celebration. A traditional one with cookies, Christmas decorations, family visit, open house, and happiness.

With her busyness, she still managed to bake many cookies few weeks before Christmas.

As a cookies lover, mom always kept those cookies out from my reach. I would have my full access just few days before Christmas.

I was sure that mom made those cookies not for the guests but for me. She knows how I love those sweet cookies very much!

Mom usually spent few weekends on November-December as baking days. That’s mean my sister and I had to stay home helping her.

Mom had her certain way to make us stay home.

*it’s been almost 2 years without her, it’s still weird to talk about her in past tense.

Over the years she made several kind of cookies and cakes. And I have my personal favorites cookies which caused me to skip meal.

She stopped making Christmas treat since she got the cancer. However, every Christmas she always mentioned how she missed to bake some cakes and cookies.

Our last Christmas together was 2 years ago. She was in huge pain. She even couldn’t come to the Christmas eve service.

A moment before I left her room that night she said, “last year I still went to the Christmas eve service, this year I couldn’t, and next year I’ll be gone.”

I was stacked, sat beside her and said nothing. Tried not to imagine Christmas without her.

It was true, she’s gone about two months after our last Christmas. And even in her pain she still praised God, admired what He had done in her life.

This is the second Christmas without her. She’s out there, happily and painless.

I miss you, mom. Merry Christmas.

Was tweeted from @aldocomet on Dec 22, 2013

Written by gerald

December 23, 2013 at 10:46 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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